Good Medicine

Last night the Wordsmith hillside residence resounded to the sound of laughter and singing, and the wine flowed freely. The purpose of this Bacchanal was to celebrate the news that Mrs W. received from her personal Physician that day. Having made a close study of chicken entrails and consulted the latest astrological charts, he pronounced her to be free of evil spirits to such an extent that she will not need to visit him for a year, until next March. Naturally my dear spouse was much relieved at the news as there is always a small doubt hidden deeply when we visit soothsayers and physicians, even when we hope for and expect no problems.. His series of tests and manipulations could produce no adverse effects. All admirers, friends and relatives will be most pleased at this excellent result. Good news is always the best medicine !

Language Watch

Sgt Peda Gogue of the Word Police has reported an ABC Saturday morning announcer who became excited about an artistic creation, twice describing it as "very unique". The miscreant has been released on bail. If he offends again in the next twelve months, his sentence will be a month in gaol,(or jail, if he is American), accompanied by a large dictionary so he can study the rules concerning comparisons. Perhaps we might then be spared discussions about objects or events that are most unique, very unique, nearly unique and so on. This man is a potential threat to the community and he must be stopped before he progresses on to the uniquest things he has found. We know that serial meaning manglers usually increase their vile crimes in search of shock satisfaction. The Word police will be keeping a very close ear on this fellow and his Saturday programmes.

Errands of Mercy

For a couple of Wednesdays per month, I will now have to desert my word-smithing to act as chauffeur, guardian and junior assistant to Mrs W. as she travels about the environs of Atherton, delivering meals and pleasant contact to people who are elderly, ill or in need of assistance. Meals on Wheels,(or Mills on Wills if you are from N.Z.), is a non-profit organization that receives a partial Government contribution towards its operational costs. Volunteers are its life-blood. It provides meal preparation and delivery to people who might otherwise be deprived of needed nourishment. Most of the recipients on our route are ladies, but there are two gentlemen at present. Naturally there will be additions and deletions from the list as situations change. It is sad to think of the loneliness that so many of these people must experience. Regular visits of volunteers with food and a few words of good will and support must be a small but invaluable boost to their morale. We will try to do our best as little cogs in a very big wheel.

The Language of Politics

Last night while I was watching the Magic Box, I came across a news item about the teachers at Church Schools who were marching down the streets of Brisbane, bellowing about their right to have an increase in salary. One of the most raucous shouters was proudly waving his placard while declaiming, " The teachers in every other state get more than us, and we only want a salary like what they get." That should have convinced a few parents of his worth. I feel that such demonstrations might be effective as a last resort, when other means have failed to achieve desired goals, but I have never subscribed to the infantile chanting procedure of negotiation -- "What do we want ? When do we want it ? Now !!" Well, that certainly convinced me.

I would suggest that what the gentleman under discussion may not have wanted, but certainly needed, was to return to school to learn a little more about his own language before being allowed to face a class again. Hopefully, he was not an English Teacher, but the teacher of any subject, no matter how esoteric, should be able to use and teach language as an integral part of his style. After making this fresh acquaintance with the tools of his trade, he might go back to his class and perhaps justify his claim that he was worth $84000 a year !! I know there are great numbers of committed, capable teachers who fully deserve to be paid top salaries for their dedication, and they should receive every encouragement and support to achieve this. So, to them I apologise for my diatribe.

My cavorting mendicant would probably imagine that a diatribe was a group of contestants in "The Biggest Loser".

The Breakfast of Champions

Way back in 1895, the makers of Manna Porridge knew the secret of saturation advertising. In the "Moreton Bay Courier Mail" of May 30th, each page had one of the following mini-adverts.

* Do you desire purity of blood ? Eat MANNA Porridge !

* Manna is better for complexion than Pears Soap.

* See Venice and Die ! Eat MANNA and Live !

* Porridge made of Manna gives Strength without Heat.

* Manna is the greatest Blessing of the Nineteenth Century.

* Eat Manna and you will never quail before Trouble.

* Manna is a household word ; no housekeeper should be without it.

* MANNA Porridge will cure all Ills of Indigestion.

* Bone and muscle will develop by the use of Manna.

* Do you want to get rid of Indigestion ? Then have a plate of MANNA Porridge every morning for breakfast.

* What is MANNA ? Food for the Gods !

* Manna will shed Peace, Strength and Happiness to any Home.

* Who sells Manna ? Every grocer worthy of the name.

* Manna will prevent Mortality amongst Children.

* No breakfast is complete without MANNA.

How could such a marvellous food disappear from grocers' shelves ? Even Weet-Bix doesn't do such a good job. Probably Manna was banned because it would put Doctors and Chemists out of business. It's about time the Government legislated to ensure that Manna is consumed in every household in the Nation. Immediately, this would solve the country's Health Care problems. BRING BACK MANNA !!!!

Jonahs or Jeremiahs

My apologies are offered to those crowds of Wordsmith aficionados who were deprived of information updates during the last couple of weeks. Mrs W. and I were quite busy preparing for and making a trip to Mackay on a mercy mission to visit a very ill friend. Unfortunately, for the second time this year, we were threatened by the approach of a cyclone, so we were obliged to cut the time of the visit short and flee back home. The cyclone struck the coast around the Mackay - Airlie Beach area early on Sunday morning, by which time we were safe and sound at home on the hill. We promise not to make any more trips away until the Cyclone Season has definitely finished, as it is not fair to the people in the districts we pass through. We do not wish to be regarded as a cause of bad luck, (a Jonah), or a foreteller of disaster, (a Cassandra or Jeremiah). People have a habit of dealing harshly with those they regard as harbingers of doom.

This phrase, "Harbinger of doom" has a long history. The word 'harbinger' first appears in the 12th Century when it meant a Lodging House Keeper. By the 13th Century it had changed slightly to refer to a scout who went ahead of a Royal Court to book lodgings, not an easy task considering the number of hangers-on accompanying the King. Next the word meaning altered slightly to refer to a scout who went ahead of an attacking force. I'm sure he would have had bad news to convey at times. Over the following centuries, it changed to a harbinger of things rather than approaching Royalty or armies. Finally it came to indicate the warning of dire happenings. The first time the word was used as a warning of disaster appears to have been in Scotland, where they seem to have refined it to an art form. A modern fictional Scottish character who was a good doom harbinger was Sgt Frazer in "Dad's Army" whose catch-phrases were, " We're all doomed ! Doomed I tell ye !"

This gradual change in the meanings of English words is quite common and I need to remind myself of this fact when I see beloved words being "misused".

Morals & Mores

An Old Joke :
Q. Do you like Kipling ?
A. I don't know. I've never tried it !

Among my literary favourites when I was a boy, alongside H.G.Wells, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Jules Verne, Mark Twain and W.E.Johns, was Rudyard Kipling. He was a writer and poet of his times, towards the end of the Victorian era with its attitude to morals and the God-given rights of the British Empire. Despite these influences, he wrote about great adventures, and his "Jungle Book" tales are still favourites today even when they have been Disneyfied.

Over the years the social critics have unsheathed their cutlasses and set about him savagely, claiming (quite correctly in some instances) that he was jingoistic, militaristic, simplistic, paternalistic, moralistic and several other -istics. But he could write stories that appealed to the youth of his day, and even wrote poems that boys enjoyed reading.

One of his poems, "If", became a favourite of mine and may even have helped to form some of my attitudes and behaviours. Throughout the years the poem has often resurfaced, sometimes in obscure or unexpected corners. Each time it does, I still feel a tingle of recognition and pleasure. Here it is again.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise,

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build them up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them, "Hold on !"

If you can talk to crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son !

Rudyard Kipling won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1907, so he must have been well-regarded once. I continue to enjoy him !

Spam in the Thirties.

A little longer blog today to make up for a couple of missed days.

Many people assume that SPAM is a modern phenomenon spawned by the Internet, but my extensive research has discovered that it was in full flight, in a slightly different format, in the 1930s.

While reading a February 1930 copy of "Astounding Stories of Super-Science", as one does, I found 88 Spam advertisements at the rear of the magazine. (incidentally, this copy was on sale a couple of weeks after my birth, and I remember it quite well, and can vouch for its authenticity.) Most offers concentrated on Health and Financial improvement, just as today's unbelievable, irresistible messages do.

I must admit that I was seriously tempted to try some of the products, but money was a little tight and so I missed some wonderful opportunities. A few that caught my eye were :
* Santa Fe Watch Co. Railroad Accuracy and Beauty Unsurpassed. Now in service on Practically every railroad in the United States and in every branch of the Army and Naval Service.

* (I'm not quite sure what this was, but I had to have it !) Dont Stop Tobacco, without injurious effects. Baco-cure gives the necessary assistance. Use tobacco while you take it. Has aided hundreds. Complete $3 treatment guaranteed to get results or money refunded.

Sport & A Thousand Thrills : Ride a Harley-Davidson. Eager power under instant control -- Speeds that leaves the car parades behind -- Lightly responds to throttle and brakes. All yours at a low cost in a Harley-Davidson "45", the wonderful Twin at an affordable price -- comfortable low-slung saddle. Ask about Pay-As-You-Ride Plan.

* French Love Drops . An enchanting exotic perfume of irresistible charm, clinging for hours like lovers loath to part. Full size bottle, 98c prepaid.

* New Scientific Wonder ---- "X-Ray Curio" ---- Big Fun
Boys, you apparently see thru Clothes, Wood, Stones and any object. See Bones in Flesh. Also Free Package radio picture films, takes pictures without a camera. You'll like 'em. ( 1 pkg with each 25c order).

*Radium is restoring Health to thousands. No Medicine, Drugs or Dieting. Just a light, small, comfortable Radio-active Pad worn on the back during the day and over the stomach at night.

Correct Your Nose. Thousands have used the Anita Nose Adapter to improve their appearance. Shapes flesh and cartilage of the nose, safely, painlessly while you sleep. Doctors approved.

* Old Gold Cigarettes are a kindness to your throat. In raw, damp or cold weather, change to Old Gold. Its naturally good tobaccos are smooth and kind to your throat.

(And, finally, probably the best sell of the month).
New --- Just a Twist of the Wrist.
Women universally detest the old-style can opener. Yet in every home in the land cans are being opened with it, often several times a day. Imagine how thankfully they welcome this new method --- the automatic way of doing the most distasteful job. With the Speedo can opener method you can just put the can in the machine, turn the handle and almost instantly the job is done. You undoubtedly know what a dangerous job it is to open cans with the old-fashioned can opener. You have to hack your way along slowly -- ripping a jagged furrow along the edge. Next thing you know, the opener slips. Good Night ! You've torn a hole in your finger. As often as not it will become infected and stay sore for a long time. Perhaps even your Life will be endangered from blood poisoning. You may be able to get the can open without cutting yourself. But there's still the fact to consider that the ragged edge of the tin left around the top makes it impossible to pour out all the food. The Speedo holds the can --- opens it --- flips up the lid so you can grab it --- and gives you back the can without spilling a drop, and without any rough edges to snag your fingers. It's so easy, even a 10 year old child can do it in perfect safety ! No wonder women -- and men too -- simply go wild over it. No wonder Speedo salesmen often sell to every home in a block and make $10 an hour.

There you are ! How could any modern Spamster compete with that salesmanship ?

Language of Roses

Today Mrs Wordsmith celebrates another birthday. The market place is festooned with flowers and the streets are covered in petals. Along with her early gifts she received one rosebud, a small golden yellow. It is quite dangerous to give or receive rose blooms without a knowledge of their meaning as all kind of strange messages could be inadvertently (or deliberately ) passed on with the flower. Fortunately, a quick check found that a single rose conveys simplicity, and the colour yellow indicates enthusiasm and passion. Well, that seems fairly safe, as we are both simple (meaning uncomplicated rather than mentally infirm), yet enthusiastic and passionate about so many things. It seems that to wish someone these qualities for another year should be well received.

For future reference it will probably be advisable to also be aware of the significance of other rose colours.
Red --- Love and Respect.
Orange --- Desire
Lavender or Blue --- Grace, Elegance, Refinement.
Peach or Pink --- Appreciation or Gratitude.
Orange + Yellow --- Unity.
White --- Reverence or Humility.

Other combinations have other meanings, and some nationalities have quite different messages to convey. For example,in Islamic countries, yellow indicates Treachery and in France it signifies Infidelity. I should like to reassure Mrs Wordsmith that neither of these meanings is applicable in this instance.